There's a new girl in town....
by devilwentdown
Summary: Hmmm what would happen if you put a teenager from now on Voyager not a trecker just a normal girl who knows nothing about anything. It's rated general but a couple of implications in good fun.


cleopatra's death came as a shock to all in egypt

Hi I wrote this as a funny piece everything is a joke so if you don't have a sense of humour leave now. Everyone else continue. 

I own nothing except unnamed girl. The characters all belong to Paramount. The beetles own 'love me do' not me and Robbie Williams owns 'Have you met Miss Jones'.

On the bridge. The usual crowd is there. All are bored doing the minimum to keep the ship falling apart.

J.w: it is star date 2889973.5. I am bored I want coffee. I hate this ship. I hate my crew. I hate everyth-

Chakotay: amh! We are in the room you know

J.w: oh I know. I want you all to know this

Chakotay: don't you like anything on this ship

J: well …. You are kinda cute

Chakotay; really (slithers up to her and puts arm around her) so are you

J.w: let me finish my sentence….you are kinda cute if I were desperate enough to ignore your face

Chakotay: oh… I'm hurt

J.w: don't be if I'm gonna have sex with anyone on this ship it will be you

Chakotay: I am so hot I am so hot h-o-t-th-o-t-t!

Harry: amh1 do we have to listen to this permission to cover my ears captain

J.w: denied! every body has to watch Chakotay dance like an idiot. Including you Tuvok don't try to sneak out!

(Tuvok slinks back to his station Chakotay continues dancing)

Harry; captain there just was an anomaly on deck five

J.w: when did it happen?

Harry: two hours ago

J.w: and you didn't tell me? are you an idiot?

Harry: don't yell the doctor said I've been under a lot of stress lately and it doesn't help me if you all yell -sob- (Harry runs out crying)

Tuvok: wussy boy what pressure does he have? Oh no he has to look at all the pretty light on his com panel all day I have to arrange the security and constantly interrupt other people doing it that is constant pressure-

(doctor sneaks up and hypo sprays him)

Tuvok: look at all the perty lights

On deck five.

Unnamed girl: ok I am crazy where am I being crazy though? hello anyone there I said HELLO? Ok ok find someone else on this grey hallway

(Neelix approaches singing badly)

Neelix: I am the worlds greeeeeaaaaatest cheeeeeef whoah cheeeeef

Unnamed girl: ok do talk to the next person who isn't a singing little mohican spotty wrinkly thing

(blue dude walks by)

unnamed girl: ok so wait for the next person who looks like me.

(time passes Tuvok passes by( he has pointy ears) B'lanna passes(crinkly forehead) finally the doctor passes)

unnamed girl: hey you! Yes finally no wrinkly skin or pointy ears though yours are a little big…

doc: who are you?

Unnamed; girl no who are you?

Doc: I asked first

Unnamed girl: fine it's Lea Jones.

Doc: and you are on my ship because…?

Lea; hey you stole me I was getting ready to go out and then I was here

Doc; which explains what you are wearing. What age are you?

Lea; 17. there is nothing wrong with my clothes

( lea has a hot pink belly top on with baggy blue jeans)

doc: well I should bring you to the bridge

lea: first where am I?

Doc: on the federation ship voyager.

Lea: federation? What is that like another name for the u.s or Russia or the e.u or something?

Doc: no the united federation of planets

Lea: right so and the year? 

Doc: 2457

Lea; ok the I am like from the year 2001 so I am going to assume you are insane and find someone who is sane

Doc: no to the bridge

(grabs her and drags her to the turbo lift)

on the bridge

J.w: so you found nothing on deck five Tuvok?

Tuvok: no captain

Doc: hey I found the intruder naa naa nana!

Lea; ok so you are all insane

(faints)

(in this time the doctor tells all and the captain decides that they should ignore the prime directive once again and help her come to terms with where she is. Now that 7 is ok with the whole human thing she needs a new activity plus you gotta think of the ratings)

in sick bay.

Lea; so I am in the future. What's in fashion? Where can I shop and where is the closest pub?

J.w; well we usually wear hideous clothes that look like pyjama's , we have replicators that make clothes and what is a pub?

Lea: can the replicator make everything?

J.w; yes

Lea: ok do have my own room?

J.w: we call them quarters here

Lea: boys aged 16-20?

J.w: one Echeb

Lea: ok show me to my quarters.

In the mess hall.

J.w; she took the whole thing very well I am going to be a mother figure to her. Teach her everything.

B'lanna: great now can I get to the dessert table?

J.w: no listen to me ramble more I-

B'lanna: I am very pregnant and I need sugar move or I'll hit you

J.w: you have such a sense of humour as I was saying I-

(B'lanna hits her)

B'lanna; I warned you once don't get between me and food.

Neelix: everybody I want you all to call round to our newest passenger and welcome her aboard. It's compulsory for all senior staff.

(mumbles of dissent. Everybody resumes eating. Janeway comes though again leaves before any notices she was hit)

quarters 8266.

Lea: computer

Comp: yes

lea: make me vodka

computer: real or synthetic

lea: real and some lime and ice

computer: it is in the replicator

lea; I know I'm gonna love it here

dingdong. 

(lea ignores it. Again.)

lea : what is that?

Neelix: hello can I come in?

Lea: sure two minutes…….what can I do for you? 

Neelix: well I just want to welcome you to our ship

Lea: ok I'm welcomed byethen

Neelix: (sitting down) have you made any friends yet

Lea; friends? Not yet why?

Neelix: well to welcome you aboard I am going to have a party

Lea: party! Ok do you want me to bring anything?

Neelix: just yourself. Tonight in the mess hall at eight.

Later in the mess hall

Neelix: captain I'm sure I told her eight o' clock maybe she got lost

J.w: lost? surely she would have just taken the turbo lift here

In the turbo lift.

Lea: where are the buttons?…. no last time they just said where they wanted to go… mess hall

Computer: please specify deck

Lea: I don't know. how am I supposed to know?

(lift stops Harry steps in)

Harry: hidey ho neighbour! I'm Harry.

Lea: hi

Harry: I heard the captain say you were a Neanderthal

Lea; what are you on about?

Harry: You are from the past so you are a Neanderthal which means I am smarter then you! I am smart I am so smart s-m-r-t, I mean, s-m-a-r-t

Lea: Harry are you special?

Harry: yip yip yip!that's what every one tells me! Here the mess hall Neelix said their would be jelly!

Lea; and they put him in charge of things

Mess hall

J.w; I see you made it well while you are on voyager feel free to ask me anything if you want anything just name it-

Lea- when can I go home? I kinda need to.

J.w: go home? Oh you mean when will voyager reach earth in about 50 years

Lea: no I mean back to my century

J.w; oh that we not going to do that you see (Janeway puts arm around lea) we are having a shortage of nameless ensigns or other characters that we can kill so you are going to become a character and then if your not popular we will kill you off. By the way you could do with a few fashion tips.

(by now Lea having discovered the replicator makes more then vodka has gotten herself a new outfit. A red corset with a black skin-tight mini and knee high boots. Along with the compulsory heavy black eyeliner.)

lea: I like my clothes but I want to go back to my time

J.w; I said NO. look I'll introduce you to everyone. Meet Chakotay, my commanding officer 

Chakotay: hello have you met your animal guide yet?

Lea: no sorry I'm an atheist

Chakotay: It doesn't matter even the captain has one.

Lea: maybe later (under breath) religious freak

J.w: meet Tom Paris our pilot

Tom: you're from the twentieth century we have so much in common I love the twentieth century. It was the coolest time. You have black and white TV and captain proton and-

Lea: who is captain Proton?

Tom: a superhero he was alive in the twentieth century I mean he only saved the world I don't know how many times

Lea: oh a comic book hero you do know that they were only made up?

Tom: what? what are you talking about of course he was real wasn't he captain?

J.w: of course tom the mean lady is telling lies.

Lea: about as real as Santa Claus or do you think he is real too? With all his little elves and flying reindeer? 

Harry: santy isn't real! Waaaaahhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! You all lied to me. (runs out of the room screaming)

J.w; looks like you're going to meet your death very soon missy. This is our security guy, Tuvok. One person you can't upset cause he has no feelings.

Lea: hi

Tuvok: hello

Lea why are your ears pointy?

Tuvok: because I am Vulcan

Lea: but why are they pointy are you descended from elves?

Tuvok: no they are just that way

Lea: why don't you get cosmetic surgery I'm sure the doctor could make them look less hideous.

Tuvok: I don't like you

Lea; Janeway said you didn't have emotions so how can you dislike me?

Tuvok: I'm leaving

Lea: three already hate me they'll send me back soon.

( walks over to seven)

lea; hi I'm lea so why do you have bits of metal sticking into you?

7: I am seven of nine, an ex-Borg drone. 

Lea: the Borg yeah great. so were you always blond cause I gotta tell you your roots are showing.

7: you are insolent and ill-mannered you shall attended the social classes the doctor set up for me

lea: what? no need got all the manners I need I'm going to leave you now.

(while lea wanders around upsetting random members of the crew tom is telling B'lanna about how mean she is)

tom: and then she said captain proton wasn't real and that Santa didn't exist!

B'lanna: aah my poor baby I going to go sort out the mean lady why don't you wait here for me?

Meanwhile in the mess hall. 

Lea: yea kill all nonhumans that's the way to go. Hurrah for xenophobia. Up humans. Down with bumpy people

J.w (to Chakotay): arrange a little accident for our friend.

Chakotay: ok I'll trip her on the way out

J.w: no I mean a serious accident

Chakotay: I'll hit her over the head with a bottle and fake it was an accident

J.w: how dumb are you? By accident I mean slice her up, send her to sleep with the fishes, send her to live on cloud number nine if you know what I mean?

Chakotay: you lost me at the fishes

J.w (shouting at the top of her lungs): kill the girl now and shoot her body out an air lock and we'll tell the crew she went back to her own time you IDIOT!!!!( realises every one heard) sorry everyone we're rehearsing for a play

Nameless ensign: what play? When are you going to put it on?

Chakotay: Kathryn what play? I thought you wanted me to-

J.w: shut up Chakotay

B'lanna: where is that girl lea?

Lea: she gone to transporter room three

B'lanna: who are you?

Lea: ensign human I stay in a lot and work on my own in an isolated lab on deck 234

B'lanna: ok then thanks for the tip

(B'lanna leaves in the turbo lift when she realises that there aren't 234 decks on voyager. By the time she reaches the empty transporter room she realises that she was had. By the time she reaches the mess hall again she's figured out that ensign human wasn't a member of the crew and so it must have been Lea. She storms back in)

B'lanna; where is she?

(by this time Lea has headed out and is exploring the ship when she finds astrometrics)

lea: oooohhhh aaahhhh! Pretty stars.

Echeb: hello who are you?

Lea: lea who are you let me guess Echeb?

Echeb; yeah how did you know

Lea: I'm psychic

Echeb: but I thought you were human? 

Lea: it's an expression

Echeb: so 7 told me you are a racist. How's that going?

Lea: I'm only saying it so that the ratings will drop and Janeway will let me go home.

Echeb: you never know you might like it here

Lea; god you are such the good little cheerleader. Hurrah go voyager! let me guess you're on the pep squad?

Echeb: voyager doesn't have a- …. You were being sarcastic 

Lea: you wanna bet? Hey do you know where my quarters are by any chance I'm a little lost

Echeb: why should I tell you after you being so mean to me.

Lea: sorry but I don't have a clue where they are and how do you work the turbo lifts? 

Later outside lea's quarters.

Echeb: an then the llama said only if you can shoot the elephant!

Lea; hahahahahhahahahahaha! Very funny. so you wanna come in for a coffee?

Echeb: I don't know I is late I start my next shift in 12 hours I should get some rest

Lea; it will only be five minutes plus I got this really nice vodka from the replicator…

Echeb: what's vodka?

Next morning in astrometrics.

7: Mr. Paris have you seen Echeb this morning? He is late for his shift.

Tom: nope computer locate Echeb

Computer: Echeb is in quarters 8266.

7: who owns those quarters computer?

Computer: Lea. Echeb got VERY lucky last night.

Tom: go Echeb!

7: I will go there and retrieve Echeb. I must ask you to keep this to yourself Mr. Paris.

Tom: of course I will 7 no need to worry.

7: thank you.

Tom: Tom to B'lanna you'll never guess what I just heard!

Quarters 8266.

Lea: uuughhhghhhgghhhh……

Echeb: you sound like I feel how much did we drink last night/

Lea: enough to get a good Irish girl drunk

Echeb: so I guess we have a thing now

Lea: what???

Echeb: a thing

Lea: let's talk about this when there aren't four of you ok?

Echeb: fine I see five of you

Lea: go back to sleep

Echeb: ok

Ding dong

Lea: ignore it

Ding dong

Echeb: maybe you should get it

Ding dong

Lea: they'll go away eventually

Ding dong. Knock knock knock.

7: Echeb you are late for your shift report to me at once

Lea; who is that?

Echeb: it's 7

Lea: the blonde one from last night?

Echeb: yes she is very mad

Lea; I'll go tell her you're not here

Vroom vvvvrrrrrooommmmm VVVVVVRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!

Lea; what is that?

Echeb; she's got a chainsaw!

Lea: she's insane is she your girlfriend or something?

Echeb: she's like an adoptive mother to me

Lea: which gives her the right to act like this if your late for a shift?

Echeb; no but I think she might be upset that I erm stayed here last night

Lea: oh she overprotective huh. I go tell her your already on your way to astrometrics and that she must have missed you. Then you run there and if you get there after her tell her you went looking for her.

Echeb: I can't lie to her

Lea: why not

Echeb: because…. People don't lie here

Lea: you either lie or get in trouble

Echeb: lie to her. I'll hide in the bathroom

Lea: good you can tell me how to work the shower I can't find the water switch

(lea goes to the door)

lea: hi 7 isn't it?

7: yes where is Echeb?

Lea: oh you just missed him he slept on my sofa last night because he was going to show me how to work things this morning but I forgot to set the alarm and we both slept in. It was my fault really

7: I can tell if people are lying to me you know

lea: I'm not lying

7: no…. I believe you are telling the truth.

Lea: ok tell Echeb I'll see him later.

7: yes I will. Goodbye.

Lea: ok Echeb I fooled her don't let us down

Later in a staff meeting.

J.w; so what will we do with Lea?

Tom and Harry: kill her she's mean

7: I believe she is a bad influence on Echeb. Dispose of her.

Chakotay: who?

Tuvok: I dislike her she is illogical

B'lanna: I don't care where is cake? You promised it would be here

J.w: so we're agreed kill her.

Neelix: hey don't I have a say

All: no!

(Producer runs on)

sorry every one you might hate her but the audience loves her. She dresses sluttish, annoys everyone and lies like a pro maybe if she gets very boring but not now.

J.w; fine then what will we do with her? She needs some kind of a job.

Harry: she can't even work the turbolift we need someone to show her how things work around.

7: Echeb has already started. That's why he was at her quarters last night.

J.w: of COURSE that's all he was doing seven deny it to yourself.

Chakotay: just leave them off it's not like Echeb does anything except occasionally be concerned about seven.

J.w; so it's agreed.

On week later.

Lea; Echeb your back again.

Echeb: yes love of my life I'm supposed to show you the history of the federation today.

Lea: hurrah but first Echeb we need to talk. Why don't you sit down?

Echeb: why of course my little flower

Lea: well… you see Echeb we are both at very different places in our lives and I think-

Echeb; what different places we are on the same ship in the same quarters.

Lea: I mean at different points in our lives…. I think maybe we should have a break

Echeb: oh ok then

Lea: thank god you understand that I don't want to see you anymore

Echeb: WHAT??? I thought you meant a break from studying. You don't love me anymore?

Lea: I just love you in a different way

Echeb: I'm leaving good bye

Later in the mess hall. Harry and tom are sitting there playing monopoly. 

Echeb enters and walks up to them.

Tom: I am the richest man in the universe.

Harry: you cheated I saw you take money out of the bank

Tom; no you didn't 

Harry: yes I did CHEATER!

Tom: oh look there's Echeb

(Harry looks over tom takes more money from the bank)

Harry: hi Echeb how's lea?

Echeb; she dumped me what will I do I love her?

Harry: you only met her a week ago how can you love her?

Tom: shush Harry it was first love that lasts forever. Echeb you must try and win her back.

Echeb: how?

Tom: we need help from a woman

Harry: there's the captain

Tom: a woman who actually dates men

Harry: B'lanna

Tom; yea she'll know what to do. B'lanna sweetie c'mere 

B'lanna: what do you want?

Tom: what do women want?

B'lanna: chocolate

Tom: anything else

B'lanna: cake

Tom: and you'll have their undying never ending love?

B'lanna: yes go get me chocolate and cake now

Tom: yes dear

Echeb: outside lea's door

Dingdong

(lea answers)

lea: oh Echeb what do you want?

Echeb: I bought you chocolate and cake

Lea: erm thanks. Why?

Echeb: because in want you to love me again

Lea; I said it was over

Echeb: so the chocolate doesn't make up for what I did wrong?

Lea: no but I'll still eat it. See ya

Later back in the mess hall.

Harry: It didn't work? Guess B'lanna was wrong

Tom; B'lanna is never wrong there's something wrong with lea. Maybe it's a weird twenty first centaury thing. Where did she live on earth?

Echeb: Ireland

Tom: computer tell us what the Irish people were like in the twenty first centaury.

Computer: the Irish were a nation in Europe but an island. They were famous for there hospitality and how much alcohol they could consume. They were mainly Catholics-

Tom: stop computer. Maybe if you become a catholic she'll love you

Echeb: what's a catholic?

Tom: a religion. Basically guilt about everything and no sex till your married.

Echeb: but we had- nothing

Harry: awwwh you're embarrassed 

Tom: so ask her to marry you. It's ingenious

Echeb; but I don't know if I want to get married maybe that could be our last resort. look Tuvok let's ask him he's been married

Tuvok: hello shouldn't you all be working

Tom: no we're helping Echeb. You can help too.

Tuvok; I do not wish to

Echeb: please I need help

Tuvok: very well what do you require help with?

Echeb: what do women want?

Tuvok: a film by the same title concluded that women want a man to be understanding and sympathetic to her feelings no matter how strange they are.

Chakotay: (has just wandered up and joined in) try singing to her. It always works for me.

Tom; what about the captain

Chakotay: I haven't sung to her yet.

Tom; well go do it so we can see if it works

Chakotay; I can't just start singing to her

Tom: sure you can just go to her quarters and sing at her door we'll watch from around the corner.

Chakotay: ok but if we get caught I knew nothing.

Outside Janeway' s quarters.

Chakotay: what will I sing?

Tom; something romantic

Harry; go on you can do it!

Chakotay: ok here it goes.

Ding dong

Chakotay: 

love love me do

You know I love you

J.w; what Chakotay?

I'll always be true

So pleeeeaaasssse 

love me do

whoa love me do

love love me do

You know I love you

I'll always be true

J.w; good I was looking for you

So pleeeeaaasssse 

love me do

whoa love me do

some one to love

somebody new

J.w: stop singing I need you right now

some one to love 

someone like you

love love me do

You know I love you

I'll always be true

So pleeeeaaasssse 

love me do

whoa love me do

J.w: you are so tall you're perfect for the job I have in mind!

love love me do

You know I love you

I'll always be true

So pleeeeaaasssse 

love me do

whoa love me do

yeah love me do

whoa love me do

(Janeway grabs him and pulls him inside)

tom: wow it worked

Harry; what was the last line of the song again?

Echeb; it might work but what will I sing?

Tom; computer check the music files for romantic songs in 2001. something easy to sing.

Computer: 3567 matches to that description.

Tom; one for a male singer

Computer: 1389 matches.

Tom; how about something more personal with her name in it. Songs with the name lea in them

Computer: no matches

Tom; how about Jones?

Computer: one match

Tom: play it in holosuite 2

In holosuite too.

Tom; computer play song.

Computer: 'have you met Miss Jones' by singer Robbie Williams fro the film Brigit Jones's diary circa 2001.

(five minutes later)

Echeb: it's perfect she'll be madly in love with me

Tom: ok go sing it to her

Harry: no it has to be a bigger gesture. Sing it to her in the mess hall.

Echeb: I don't know abo-

Tom: no it's brilliant we sit there until she comes then you sing and she'll love you

Echeb: but won't it embarrass her?

Harry: don't be stupid women love this kinda thing

( the boys head for the mess hall. Meanwhile Lea and B'lanna have sorted out their differences mainly due to Lea giving B'lanna chocolate and they are now walking towards the mess hall for coffee)

lea: well I do still like Echeb but he tries so hard if he just let things be for a while.

B'lanna: I know what you mean you want a break to think for a while

Lea: yea but then he came round with chocolate maybe I'll give in now

B'lanna: I know he really misses you

Lea: yeah but I hate people staring at me like I'm odd at least Echeb treats me like a real person.

B'lanna: here the mess hall have you tried a ractagino yet they are so yummy

Lea: no I'll try one now

(across the room) 

tom: go on Echeb sing to her

Harry: yeah go on now while she's not expecting it

Echeb: I'm not sure

Harry and tom: go ongo on go on go on now now now now!

Echeb: (voice cracking)

Have you met miss Jones

Someone said as we shook hands

( everyone in the mess hall stops and stares tom and Harry give him encouraging smiles)

She was just miss Jones to me

And then I said miss Jones

You're a girl who understands

That I'm a man who must be free

(Echeb starts to gain confidence walks over to lea)

And all at once I lost my breath 

and all at once was scared too death 

and all at once I was the earth and sky

(really gets into it hand motion all ago)

and now I've met miss Jones

and will keep on meeting till we die

miss Jones and I 

miss Jones and I

miss Jones and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

(lands on his knees with Elvis style andjazzy hands)

yeah.

Lea: (cringing with embarrassment) you idiot what's wrong with you?(runs out)

B'lanna; she was about to take you back but you blew it big time.

Echeb; but they said …..

B'lanna: who said?

Echeb: Harry and Tom and Chakotay and Tuvok

B'lanna; and you trusted those idiots

Echeb; it worked for Chakotay!

B'lanna: with who?

Echeb: the captain she was all over him

Entire crew who had been watching the whole thing: WHAT THE CAPTAIN AND CHAKOTAY!!!!!

(Faintings all over and the gossip mills start turning everyone has already forgotten about Echeb and Lea with the much more juicy story of the captain and Chakotay)

B'lanna; you should go apologise while I sort out those idiots!

( all the men have disappeared and are in hiding from B'lanna having changed their names)

in lea's quarters.

Echeb; can I come in?

Lea; after that little stunt? No way in hell

Echeb; but they told me to I didn't want to I wanted to talk to you alone maybe work things out….

Lea who told you to?

Echeb: Harry and Tom and Chakotay and Tuvok

Lea; teaches you. you shouldn't listen to men about any thing

Echeb: I'll leave you hate me

Lea: (opens doors to let him in) no don't we can talk if you promise not to sing

Meanwhile in Jane way's quarter's

J.w: higher Chakotay higher, no lower

Chakotay: how about here

J.w: no go left … left… left .. righta bit. There yes you've got it. oh Chakotay

Chakotay:oh Kathryn it's perfect 

Jw: yes it is thanks for putting it up for me

Chakotay: no problem I'm good at hanging pictures

J.w: what was with he singing earlier?

Chakotay: it was a dare by Tom if I backed out I would have had to give him a month's rations!

Meanwhile on the bridge.

The doctor is in charge. 

Doc: doctor: to the captain: captain there's a temporal anomaly ahead. It looks like the one Lea came out of.

J.w: describe it doctor

Doc: it's purple with red at the outside and green little spots

J.w; that sounds like the one alright I'll be there in a minute call a staff meeting

In the conference room.

J.w: so can we send her back?

Harry: yes we can

B'lanna: no I like her

Producer man: sorry everyone she was an nice boost to the ratings but we can't afford to keep her it's either her or Neelix.

Neelix; why me?

Producer man: you're not popular and your contracts up for renewal

J.w: we'll have a vote among the crew.

(next day after the voting Janeway is about to announce the results)

J.w: we have the results but before we give them out I want to say this campaign was well fought and which ever cat wins the final prize deserves it thoroughly. The best cat-

Chakotay: captain wrong speech. The cat show is later now is kicking out either Lea or Neelix.

J.w: oh sorry about that people. The results of that vote are as follows.

169 people voted:

Neelix got 4 votes

Lea got 165

So I guess we'll all say a sad farewell to Neelix.

Neelix: how could this happen? After all I did for you people I gave my all and got nothing( a security man starts to drag him out) I will get revenge on all of you. REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!!

J.w: so lea can you cook? We just had an opening in the……

So you like? if want review but I don't mind either way.


End file.
